1. Your potted plants are alive… and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’
10. You’re the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time McDonald’s closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Mydog instead of McDonald’s.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $7.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff.’
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

Source: Office mail

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Real Aussies can skip this ‘Basic guide to Aussie life’; all other people interested in visiting the land Down Under pay attention. Here are a few simple rules to make you more familiar with the Australian lifestyle.

Basic guide to Aussie life

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
Read the rest of this entry »