Mrs Sparrow

Australian Tourism - Questions Answered

Mrs Sparrow — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:41:15 +0000

I found the following questions and answers here and I had to laugh so hard it almost made me pee my pants. These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies…..just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Thirsty Monkey

Mrs Sparrow — Fri, 30 May 2008 05:23:19 +0000

Every now and then my friends forward some funny emails to me. Today I received an email with a link to a hilarious video. It is only a short one (38 seconds) so it won’t take up much of your time. It will almost make you pee your pants or in the worse case scenario put at least a smile on your face. Enjoy your weekend!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP7tVydBz60

Lonely Hearts Ads and what they really mean

Mrs Sparrow — Sun, 18 May 2008 04:17:05 +0000

For the peeps who look through the lonely hearts ads to search for true love or just a good night out here’s some help in translating those ads.

Adventurous = Likes anal
Athletic = No tits
30 something = 41 years old
Fun = Annoying
Wild = Gets pissed easily
Beautiful face = Face like a robber’s dog
Seeks knight in shining armour = Husband has run off with a younger model
New Age = Hairy and smelly
Headstrong = Argumentative
Enjoys pubbing & clubbing = Alcoholic
Curvy = fat
Cuddly = fat
Likes eating out = Lazy and fat

25 Signs that you’ve grown up

Mrs Sparrow — Thu, 01 May 2008 09:22:18 +0000

Your potted plants are alive… and you can’t smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’
You’re the one calling the police because those bloody kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don’t know what time McDonald’s closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Mydog instead of McDonald’s.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
You go to the chemist for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $7.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff.’
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

Source: Office mail

Don’t mess with older ladies

Mrs Sparrow — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 00:12:37 +0000

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Basic guide to Aussie life

Mrs Sparrow — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:13:16 +0000

Real Aussies can skip this ‘Basic guide to Aussie life’; all other people interested in visiting the land Down Under pay attention. Here are a few simple rules to make you more familiar with the Australian lifestyle.

Basic guide to Aussie life

The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

All our best heroes are losers.

The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

It’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear.

A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.

Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.

The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

It’s considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

The phrase “we’ve got a great lifestyle” means everyone in the family drinks too much.

If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host’s beer. (Don’t worry, he’ll have catered for it).

If there’s any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you’d be a mug not to go.

The phrase “a simple picnic” is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don’t need to make three trips back to the car, you’re not trying.

Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.

The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

Source: Office mail

Men’s rejection lines and what they really mean

Mrs Sparrow — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 09:03:35 +0000

Few days back I posted ‘Women’s rejection lines and what they really mean‘ for all the guys coming to this website. In response to that post I will now post the rejection lines most men use when they don’t want anything to do with you and the hidden meaning of these rejection lines.

Let’s be friends
You’re SINFULLY ugly!

I am celebate
You’re too ugly!

It’s not you - It’s me
You’re too ugly!

I don’t date women where I work
You’re too ugly!

I’m concentrating on my career
You’re too ugly!

I’ve got a girlfriend
You’re too ugly!

I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
You’re too ugly!

My life is too complicate right now
You’re too ugly!

There’s a slight difference in our ages
You’re too ugly!

I think of you as a sister
You’re too ugly!

Source: Office mail

Women’s rejection lines and what they really mean

Mrs Sparrow — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 03:01:29 +0000

This post is for all the dudes that come to this blog. Have you ever asked a chick out, but got one of those standard rejection lines? Below you can read the top 10 of rejection lines that women use and most importantly; what women are really trying to tell you between the lines.

Let’s be friends
I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with; it’s that ‘male perspective’ thing.

I am celebate
I have sworn off ‘only’ the men like you.

It’s not you - It’s me
It’s not me, it’s you

I don’t date men where I work
Hey dude, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

I’m concentrating on my career
Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

I’ve got a boyfriend
Who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry’s

I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way
You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon

My life is too complicate right now
I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.

There’s a slight difference in our ages
You are one Jurassic geezer.

I think of you as a brother
You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance”

Source: Office mail

What’s on your playlist? Meme

Mrs Sparrow — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:23:41 +0000

One of the things that is a big turn off for me in the gym is the music they play. Somehow they always manage to play music I don’t like. So I always work out with an MP3 player filled with my own music. But, sometimes I love to hear new songs, that’s why I have created this ‘What’s on your playlist?’ meme. The purpose of the meme is to get new ideas about which songs you can add to your work out playlist.

If you decide to participate in this meme, you have to follow a few simple rules.

Copy & Paste the following into your post:

Rules of the ‘What’s on your playlist?’ meme

Link back to the original meme post: What’s on your playlist? This will send a pingback. Your URL with your playlist will than be added so others can see what is on your playlist.
Link back to the post of the person who tagged you. This will send a pingback. If you receive a pingback, add a link to that post on the bottom of your post. This way you will get a collection of links to other playlists.
Make a list of 10 songs that you listen to while you exercise. The music on your playlist must be suitable as work out music. So no ballads from Celine Dion, etc.
And the final rule; tag other people to participate in this meme.

My work out playlist:

Blur - Song 2
Bush - Machine Head
Greenday - American Idiot
Foo fighters - All my life
Hole - Celebrity Skin
Korn - Freak on leash (Rammstein remix)
The Prodigy - Spitfire
Kings of Leon - Four kicks
Marilyn Manson - The beautiful people
Lenny Kravitz - Fly away

I would like to tag anyone who likes to participate in this meme!!! I am looking forward to seeing what music you listen to while you work out!

You can find more playlists at:

Dutsji | Jeans Women

Secret Love Child

Mrs Sparrow — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 01:50:48 +0000