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A father walks into the bedroom of his daughter and sees a letter laying on the bed. After a little hesitation he decides to read the letter.

Dear Daddy,

You might want to sit down while you are reading this letter.

With pain in my heart I am telling you that I have decided to move out to live with my awesome boyfriend. I am passionately in love with Ahgmed. He is a very friendly guy even though he is covered in piercings, tattoos and has a big motorcycle.

But that is not all; I am pregnant with his child and Ahgmed says that we can be very happy living in a room with the brother of his fathers auntie. Ahgmed wants to have a lot of children and as you know that is also a big dream of mine.

Wearing a burka is also very handy in the sun and helps keep the mozzies away.

I have already learned that marihuana is not an addictive drug and we have decided to grow plants for our own personal use and our friends. Ahgmed is also an active dealer in cocaine and XTC and we have our own production company. We are doing really well for ourselves. We really need the money because we are young and are using a little bit of cocaine and XTC ourselves.

I also would like to ask you to pray that science will find a cure for Aids so Ahgmed can heal from this terrible disease.

And daddy, don’t you worry about me. I am already 14 years old and I am capable of taking care of myself. I know you have always said that you can’t live of love, but now that Ahgmed invites some friends over on a regular basis I can even help Ahgmed with paying the bills.

In a couple of years I will come back to visit you so that you can admire your grand children.

Lots of love from your daughter Janelle

Ps. Daddy, did this letter scare the shit out of you? Of course this letter is just a joke, I am out playing with my friend Courtney. I only wanted to proof to you that there are worse things in life than a bad school report card. You can find it on my night stand…

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My complaint about Mrs. Sparrow

I am not short on words, so please bear with the length of this letter. First and foremost, Mrs. Sparrow’s pouty attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Mrs. Sparrow, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that knowledge is the key that unlocks the shackles of bondage. That’s why it’s important for you to know that I see how important Mrs. Sparrow’s disgraceful, tactless hijinks are to its faithfuls and I laugh. I laugh because if you think that this is humorous or exaggerated, you’re wrong. I, hardheaded cynic that I am, find that some of Mrs. Sparrow’s choices of words in its crusades would not have been mine. For example, I would have substituted “brain-damaged” for “ultraphotomicrograph” and “meddlesome” for “phoneticogrammatical.” The truth hurts, doesn’t it, Mrs. Sparrow? I had a conversation recently with some unprincipled prevaricators who were trying to intensify race hatred. That conversation convinced me that Mrs. Sparrow is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead.

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